Dear Prime Minister

171. 15 February 2022

You’re not having any fun, are you?

Once a week, in the Commons, you can have fun

Making duff jokes, slinging scurrilous insults

At that dull man whatsisname on the other side.

The rest of the time you’re in that poky flat

With the expensive and migraine-inducing wallpaper,

Where the red boxes pile up everywhere –

I mean, what are they for anyway?

Surely, nobody expects you to read them?

They’re excruciatingly dull. Whatsisname

Would probably enjoy them, but not you.

It’s fun touring the country, putting on hi-viz.

A bit. Driving forklifts while people smile

Nervously at you, wondering if you’ll crash.

Parties?! Not one of those bloody parties

Was a proper party. Prosecco and tinsel?

If you’d intended to have a party

It would have been a proper one –

A full Piers Gaveston ball with shagging.

And anyway, you’ve done nothing